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Fifteen years ago, I had a co-worker who took out a singles ad in a local paper. She was in her mid-30's and had recently broken up with her long-term boyfriend, and wasn't sure of the best way to go about re-entering the dating scene. Along the way in her dating adventures, she met an ex-con, an artist who was more interested in what she was wearing than in her, and a guy who could talk of nothing but himself.
At the time, I thought she was both brave and crazy. I couldn't imagine meeting up with total strangers who had responded to a few lines from a newspaper ad. But many years later, when I myself was suddenly single, I turned to online dating.
In today's world, meeting online is an increasingly common and acceptable method of dating. Gone are the days when someone would look at you sideways and say “but you don't look like a geek” if you explained that you'd met your date or significant other on the internet.
That doesn't mean that internet dating is always safe. I personally met my boyfriend as well as several platonic friends online. A close friend of mine from college met the girl he married through Match.com. On the flip side, I know quite a few singles who met people who turned out to be vastly different in person from their online personas. I've had friends fall for fantasies woven online. Worst of all, I've read tales of people of both sexes being stalked by someone they met online, including a local case where a woman was murdered by a man she met on a social networking site.
As scary as these outcomes are, the reality is they can happen with any type of dating. People find their lives turned upside down by men and women they meet at the store, the bar, or through a work conference too. You have to be mindful of risks and aware when things aren't quite right, regardless of how you've met someone. If you choose to venture into online dating, there are extra precautions you can take to protect yourself.
1. Look for Warning Signs Well Before You Meet
We've all heard the horror stories about internet relationships that go on forever. She wants to meet, and he says he does too, but for some reason he's always canceling at the last minute. Maybe it's the wife and kids he conveniently hasn't mentioned. Or maybe she's the one who keeps stalling on getting together. Just as there are members of both sexes who “trophy date” in bars, there are men and women online who are interested in creating online fantasies or flirting away hours of boredom, but who have no intention of actually dating or moving into a relationship.
So you don't want to waste too much time in email and endless instant message bantering, unless that's all you're looking for too. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't invest plenty of time getting to know the person you're talking to before you exchange phone numbers or make a date.
Spend enough time conversing through email or chat to make sure there's a pattern of consistency in your potential date's online personality. Do the stories about his or her job, friends and home life remain consistent, or do they seem to change as time goes on?
If he talks about his successful career the first time you discuss work but as you get to know each other he admits that he'd give it all up if he could be a teacher or a writer, you probably don't have cause for alarm. He's just opening up to you and sharing his dreams. But if she's a lawyer who gets confused when you talk about the constitutional amendments, then she might be feeding you a line.
Also look for warning signs of anger and bitterness. Can he get through a conversation without spewing venom at his ex-wife or girlfriend? Is she always harping on her “all men cheat” motto? Bitterness doesn't necessarily make one a stalker, but it can create a miserable dating experience.
2. Use Caution When Giving Out Email and Phone Contact Information
Eventually, you'll want to move away from the message system or chat options at the online dating venue you're using and move your conversations to a more private forum. Ideally, you should have a few conversations before doing so.
Consider creating a free email account and/or instant messenger that you use specifically for online dating. Giving out your work email address or the email and messenger accounts you use to communicate with friends and family can wait. If the smart, funny guy you meet on a dating site turns out to be a bored shut-in who's just hoping you'll entertain him with your webcam, do you really want him to be able to reach you through your regular contact information?
The same goes for exchanging phone numbers. Don't give out your home number until you've spent some time with someone in person. Ideally, you won't give out your regular cell number, either. You can purchase a system like TrackPhone, with prepaid minutes, and use them for taking your online conversations to the next step.
It may sound a little paranoid. But again, it beats having someone you decide you don't want to talk to know how to reach you at your regular phone number. Do you really want your cell phone ringing nonstop at work because that girl you decided seemed a little off-kilter is still into you?
3. If You Live Alone, Don't Admit It
I advocate honesty in online dating. You expect the person you're talking with to be upfront with you, so you should extend the same courtesy to him or her.
But, dishonest or not, I make one exception. If you live alone, don't admit it, especially if you're female. Predatory types often prefer to target people who live alone. Don't go out of you way to weave stories about roomies or family members who don't exist, but don't make it clear that you are by yourself, either.
Of course, if you meet the right person they'll eventually learn your true living situation. If you explain that you don't give information that you feel might put your safety at risk until you are certain there won't be an issue, the right person will understand and even respect your guardedness.
4. Be Vague About Location
It is hard to let someone in on the interesting things in your life without discussing your neighborhood, and your job. But you can talk about the kind of work you do and that funny thing your co-worker did without giving out your company address. You can talk about the places you go for fun without describing them in such detail that someone would be able to find you there. You can give generalities about where you live without directing a potential psycho to your street.
When you feel you are “clicking” with someone online, it can be tempting to throw caution to the wind and share too much, especially if they're asking. But remember that someone who presses for too much information early on is probably a person you don't want to meet anyway.
5. Get A Photo
Of course, a photograph of the person you'll be meeting is helpful in deciding whether he or she is someone you want to date. But it's also a wise safety measure.
Share the photo with a few trusted friends, and let the person you'll be meeting know you've done so.
Of course, we've all heard tales of people sending photos that look nothing like them. But if you arrive at your meeting destination and don't see anyone who looks like the person you're expecting, then you know to turn around and leave. If they've misrepresented themselves in a picture, who knows what else you'll be in for.
6. Choose a Meeting Location With Safety In Mind
Don't be convinced to go far out of your way for a first in-person date. You should pick a location that is both very public and well-traveled, and familiar to you. If the person you're meeting is worth a date, then he'll understand your desire to be in safe and comfortable surroundings.
While you want to pick a meeting spot you know, don't invite a relative stranger to hook up with you at your favorite hangout. Pick a restaurant or coffee shop you've been to before and enjoyed, but not the java joint you frequent on your way to work each morning or the place you and your friends hang out for a few after-work beers every Friday night.
You want to be somewhere you can navigate to and from easily. You want to know your surroundings enough to feel comfortable, safe and in charge of your situation. But just in case your date turns out to be a dud or worse, don't bring him or her into a part of your regular routine the first time around. The last thing you want is that guy who turns out to be a first-rate creep showing up at your local watering hole for weeks on end.
7. Spread the Word
Let at least two friends know where you will be going, who you will be meeting, when you will be there and how to get in touch with you. Carry your cell phone at all times. You may not a want to have a first date with your best friend it tow, but it doesn't hurt to have her hanging out with a few other folks at a nearby location.
8. Make a Plan for Getting Home, and Stick to It.
Having your car with you can make you feel safe and secure. But you may want to consider choosing a safe, public location you can get to by bus, metro or subway. Make sure the public transportation route you choose requires that you get on and off the bus in a busy area filled with other commuters.
Choosing a mode of transportation other than your car eliminates the awkward situation of having your date accompany you to an empty parking lot at the end of the night. In the worst-case scenario, where the person is someone you know you won't want to have any more information about you than he or she already does, it also means your date won't know what you drive.
If you choose the public transportation option and your date goes wonderfully, you might be tempted to accept a ride home at the end of the evening. Resist this temptation on the first go-round. Get to know someone a bit more before you put your safety in his hands, or before you let him know where you live.
Online dating can be an exciting adventure and a great way to meet new people. You may find the person of your dreams, or just a few new friends. But it is important that you proceed with caution, avoid giving out too much personal information early on, and watch for warning signs.
Most online daters are just looking for romance or friendship, just like you. But it only takes one person who is just creating online fantasies, one bitter and angry individual who wouldn't know a good date if it bit her, or one person looking to take advantage of you or who has stalker tendencies to ruin your experience or worse. People in the online dating world who are worth getting to know won't be offended by your caution, because they'll be exercising their own.
Above is a random extract from Associated Content, visit Associated Content for the actual writer for this article.
